August 5th, 2005


(no subject)

CTY is the only true home I've ever had. And I can never go back.

That frigid bitch known as Time has finally grabbed me where it hurts: the part of my soul occupied by CTY. Time, that hag, that bitch that stops for no one and has finally seen fit to make me 16 and push me into CTY so that I'm forced to go to my nomore session and subsequently come home from it.

my passionfruit toast:

"To being one of two people on your hall to get up for passionfruit. To being a horde. To Alyssa, my wonderful wife. To really angry kids and having them in your class. To pants and lack thereof. To messing with gender roles. To Ed, my not-so-wonderful gypsy wife. To being in denial. To "eep." To Zak and Dibrom. To Melanie, Harriet, Molly, and Marianna, all the roommates I've ever had. To being a forevermore. To coming out on the other side of things. To bisexuality. To monogamy -- almost. To Alene, because she says some really hilarious things. To Alyssa, because she walways knows exactly what I need to hear and never hesitates to say it to me. To Paul, because he's mean and kindof dumb but I love him anyway. To rumors that spread faster than light. To everything CTY has given me over the years. To the most important thing CTY ever gave me: myself. I love CTY and I love the passionfruit."

I'm not really home. I'll never be home again.

((heh, x-posted like whoa, except that's not on the other ones.))
fuck it up

in the forevermore spirit...

I woke up this morning, 3 weeks post cty, and got an all to familar pang. It was a pang exactly like the one I got on Friday July 15th. A universal cty heart wrench. A last day pain.

Imaging all my double session and second session friends going through the same nevermore pain makes my heart hurt all over again. Last night was the last dance, and yes, I was more than a little tempted to put on American Pie for the sake of solidarity.

I realize now why I woke up this morning at 530 and couldn't really get back to sleep. My heart was at passionfruit.

I'm extending all my cty love to people coming home today, especially nevermores and nomores. I know this probably won't help right now, but I've never cried at something that didn't at one time make me happy. And nothing has made me feel as happy, contented, accepted, understood, loved, and joyful than cty.

keri (carlisle:1:05, lanc:1:04, stmarys:2:03)

p.s. (on a more personal note) I'm remembering all too well that cty reality and real reality will never match up. I'm realizing that I'll never be held in the same cty way by the same cty boy, even if I see him again. That I'll never spend a cty day 24/7 with my cty best friend. I'm remembering why I always specify cty love when necessary. And I realize I am the SO lucky to have experienced it. And any pain is born out of compelte and utter joy. Just remember that.